columns: According to My Sources

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Backroom Whispers

By a Gossiping Bitch on January 19th, 2004

So some of you saw that “Timbaland to work with Axl Rose” story we threw out there a little way back, and thought to yourselves; “how come I didn’t read that anywhere else?” You think we made it up, didn’t you? We know you did, don’t be lyin’. You think we made it up. Like there aren’t enough “Axl Rose is a stupid no-talent fuck-up” stories out there that we need to go and make one up? Y’know, stories like the one about Axl delivering (and Interscope rejecting) “Chinese Democracy” a year or so back, causing Axl to flip out, trash the office of his manager/ex-bodyguard/yes-man, and blow out a sold-out European tour. With his career turning to shit yet again, he turned to Sharon Osbourne, who got a call in the hope that she’d bring a little English discipline to Axl’s affairs. Although she was offered a lousy cut, she went out to Axl’s crib to meet him anyway. His manager welcomes her at the door, and directs her down a corridor to Axl’s lab. All the way down the corridor are signs telling people to keep away, leading to a carved wooden sign on the door which reads “back the fuck up”. Sharon knocks and enters, to find Axl sat in front of the console, frontin’ like he’s hard at work, like a kid cramming for a test. She says “Aren’t you going to get up?” Axl says, “What?” She repeats “Aren’t you going to get up? A lady has entered the room”, to which he replies “Fuck off”. So she does. “Chinese Democracy” still isn’t finished.

Dame Dash — fifteen seconds? Playa needs to back up off of alla them Armadale & Slimfast coolers and hit up Irv Gotti for some of that Viagra he keeps in the glove box.

Britney Spears has been ordered to get her shit straight by her label, so expect to see her kissing a gang of sick kids over the next few months in an attempt to get folks to like her again, after that “we musta got hella fucked-up last night” wedding fiasco. Damn, houseflies last longer than that shit. But, hey, it pushed all the Justin/Cameron wedding rumors off the showbiz pages (which was the object of the exercise anyway), so it’s all good. Both those two are still jonesin’ for one another, by the way. What, you ain’t know? Well, I guess you didn’t know either that it was only her fiendin’ for the yayo that caused the split in the first place. That, and the fact that JT came home one night to find some other fool hittin’ it…

Speaking of yayo, who’s the high-profile East Coast politico who’s given to tearfully assuaging the considerable guilt he’s racked (out?) with concerning his habit by jettin’ to a secluded Caribbean island on the reg with only a bunch of expensive hookers for company? Sorry, ain’t tellin’.

Puffy rings J-Lo every single day, and has done since they split. Seems she’s the love of his life, we heard. And you can take it from us that the Bennifer wedding will happen when Bushwick Bill gets his eye back. How we know that? Bitch, please. How about Ben Affleck hisself? Word.

While hip-hop heads all over love Ludacris for his “young, wild, and strapped like Chi-Ali!” line from “Stand Up,” it seems Mr. Ali (not to be confused with Brother Ali) didn’t appreciate the punchline. But is he gangsta enough to call in a hit from prison? Well, we wouldn’t be surprised if Ludacris suddenly had to cancel some tour dates.

Talk about the blind leading the blind. It seems that Casio is tapping none other than Swizz Beats to create the preset beats for the next-generation keyboards the company is currently cobbling together. Remember when Swizz “produced” that one song by pressing Play on one of the presets? Remember when people actually liked Swizz Beats? Wasn’t that fucking weird? Well, it’ll only get weirder if this keyboard hits stores with the Swizz beats, because you know some kid is gonna use one of those presets as his own beat, and Swizz and Casio, oblivious to the definition of “irony,” will sue. We can’t wait.

You heard it here first: big-headed producer 9th Wonder is about to get his ass humbled by his first sample-clearance lawsuit. Kiss that Jigga money goodbye, 9th.

Kool Keith’s latest step toward completely erasing his Ultramagnetic legacy? He’s teaming up with the Medicine Men (you may know them better as beats by the Pound, Master P’s old production squad) to make a dirty south album. He’s allegedly recording under the alias Cowboy Rosebudd, but knowing Keith, that name could change a hundred times before the record gets pressed.

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