– Off the Hook
– Voice Mail Message
– Quick Hang Up
– Wrong Number
– Staring at the Phone Waiting for Someone to Call
J-Kwon
“Tipsy”
If I was in the marketing department of So So Def, the tagline for all of J-Kwon’s album promotions would be “If you liked ‘Grindin’, you’ll love ‘Tipsy’!!!” I’m assuming J “I Seriously Tried to Jack ‘Jack & Diane'” to the D handled the beat here, but that’s really beside the point — it sounds like “Grindin'” with some synthesizers over it. And, not surprisingly, it’s a hit. J-Kwon decides to really flip the script here by documenting what goes on at a rap house party in his video — it’s a fresh, new angle that’s just crazy enough that it might work. Once his parents are gone, errybody starts showing up: Daz, who I’m assuming is looking to borrow five dollars, Murphy Lee, although I was secretly hoping for that asshole with the half hockey mask instead, and none other than Jermaine D. himself playing the role of troll-like pizza delivery boy rather convincingly. So just like at every other house party, people dance, somebody throws up, and the hot older neighbor comes by and ends up having sex with the incredibly ugly host. Lots of cut scenes to J-Kwon dancing with some broads in front of what appears to be leftover science fair project cardboard that’s been spray painted red — nothing too exciting…but then outta nowhere, Da Brat shows up! Apparently she’s back to her usual “lookin like a dude” steelo again as opposed to that whole “trying to look like a girl but ending up looking like a tranny” phase she was pimping her last album with. But it’s too little, too late…not even the heartwarming story of the Prodigal Lesbian can save this video from being a complete waste. Kid N’ Play must be rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ in their graves now.
Meth
“Whats Happening”
What’s happening? Not much for the Wu, that’s for damn sure. The last video I remember Meth having was that homoerotic Highlander epic shit with him rocking a chainmail hood and rapping while wielding a giant sword. While a complete embarrassment, at least it was entertaining as all hell unlike this snoozefest. In an attempt to remind people that they used to buy his records, Meth decides to reeanact the “Bring the Pain” video with him on what looks like the same bus they used for the OG version. For those of you too young/stoned to remember, it looks like something straight out of the Escape From New York charity auction. Good idea, except they overlooked the small detail that, unlike “Bring the Pain,” this song kinda sucks. Busta “I act!” Rhymes is on hand with official toady Spliff Starr right there with him and does the guest spot thing for the 7,492nd time. Alls I know is Def Jam must still be miffed at Red because he’s nowhere to be found on this bus of fools, which is a damn shame. Meth and Busta are both rocking one snake’s eye contact lens, which not only looks incredibly gay (“We share everything!”) but also gives the impression that the Russell Rush wouldn’t cut the check for two sets of contacts. Um, there’s also lots of cutaway shots of Meth on a bed with like ten girls, and he’s in his underwear and socks and wrestling them on some “Just one of the girls” type That-One-Kid-In-High-School-Who-Was-Friends-With-All-The-Chicks-But-Never-Dated-Them type slumber party steelo. And then I could’ve sworn Kool Moe Dee was Kool Moe Driving the Bus. The scary part is that I’m not sure if that was a planned guest appearance or not.
Cassidy
“Gets No Better”
Everyone’s favorite Isaiah Thomas look-a-like is back, and from the looks of it, Cassidy is doing just Fab-o-lous. After the unbelievableness that was the “Hotel” video (I know I’m not the only one still reeling from that Zorro the Gay Blade cameo) I didn’t really know what Cass would do for a follow-up — wisely, he pretty much just releases the same song with a different video. “Gets No Better” is the blueprint for a club song with the entire chorus built around the call and response hook of “It’s your song, ma!” for the ladies and my nephew Swizzle on production. Sir Casio kicks the video off in grand fashion as he invites us to a bangin’ ass party at what looks to be Melrose Place — and even Kanye is there! White on! So there’s a party going on as Cassidy pursues everyone’s favorite, Vida “My Ass Is My Life” Guerra, throughout the shindig. I’m not quite sure why, but Cassidy smiles throughout this entire video on some Crest White Strips sponsorship type steez — for a second I thought your man was auditioning for the Black Eyed Peas. At one point Cassidy changes outfits at the party (which, thankfully, we’re not shown) but your girl is still rocking the same clothes, so we’re either at a different party on a different night and homegirl is just broke or else the Cas-man had some spare togs stashed ahead of time in the bathroom — now that’s living comfortably! Anywho, he catches up with girl in the elevator and they start in on some ultra-fake necking under the red glow of the elevator emergency light like he’s rap’s answer to Steven Tyler. Cut back to the party where the “Terminator X To the Edge of Panic” beat comes on (apparently Cass rhymes over this?) and the party starts whylin’ out which, in 2004, is about the most unrealistic thing I’ve seen in rap video in quite some time. And that’s including solid gold tanks.
G-Unit/Lloyd Banks
“Smile”/”On Fire”
It’s ain’t no mystery that we here at Music, Watch love us some G-Unit videos, and this time, we’re hittin’ you up with a two-for-one special. Since both of the videos are meant to blow up Lloyd “Mumbles” Banks and are both essentially the same, I figured this makes sense from a reviewing perspective — plus, I’m lazy. Let’s start with “Smile”, the fourth (I think) and best (I think) single from the G-g-g-g-g-longplayer. We get an opening shot of Fiddy, shirtless to show off the remnants of his once muscle-bound body, sitting with four passed out young ladies on a bed — it’s got this whole kinda surreal bloodless massacre type vibe going on that confused the hell out of me. He proceeds to declare that something “special” and “epic” is about to happen. I don’t want to spoil the rest of the video for you but in hindsight he may be guilty of overselling it a bit. The “epic” video consists of a series of “flashbacks” to Lloyd making various females “smile” throughout the ages. It doesn’t make for a particularly exciting or interesting video, but it does feature an actor who portrays the younger Lloyd and completely nails the part if Lloyd were fatter and had a severe case of Downs syndrome…maybe this was a “special” event after all. Lloyd also manages to pull off some irony that would make Alanis Morrisette choke on her feedbag by not smiling throughout the entire video. Bravo, I say. Now we move onto “On Fire,” which finds the Unit partying at what I believe is the abandoned set of The Hudsucker Proxy. There’s a roof party jumpin’ off, and naturally the Unit comes equipped — and by “equipped,” I mean 50 is wearing suspenders with no shirt. Fuck that shit, bring back spats! This is some typical party video shiz (I’m beginning to see a trend) — that is, until somebody flips on the G-Unit signal (which bears a striking resemblance to the Bat signal). I can hear Comissioner Gordon now: “Damn it, this party isn’t close to on and nowhere near popping. Throw the G-Unit signal!” Then the video cuts to a lil’ something for the streets/z with some thuggish-type song and an all-black clad G-Unit huddling around each other in one of those fantastic cheapo one-camera sequences where nothing actually happens other than lip-syncing and grown men hopping up and down. I won’t lie, kind of a disappointing twosome of videos considering their past efforts but let’s all hope and pray 50 decides he can direct in the near future.
GFK
“Tush”
After the madness that was The Furry Hat Saga, I really didn’t expect much in the way of a follow-up video, and thank goodness I didn’t because this song is as the French would say “Le Boring”. It’s bizarre — Ghost is the only member of the Wu left who knows what a dope beat sounds like (I’ve been hearing him over some ridiculousness type stuff as of late), yet when it comes time to make that necessary crossover hit, he falls flat. How flat? A chorus rhyming “shush, shush, shush,” “push, push, push,” “bush, bush, bush,” and “tush, tush, tush” flat. Egads. It’s not that the beat is terrible but it’s just whatever. Like, ya know? Fer sure. Not even an appearance from the “svelte” Missy Elliot is gonna get this one into MTV’s heavy(ha!) rotation. Your man has even been dropping the “Killah” from his moniker as of late on some Kitchen Fresh Chicken shit and still can’t get over. Such is life. I know what you’re thinking: But what about the video? Well, naturally it’s set in a bowling alley with Ghost acting like the Fonz and rocking a robe straight scooped from a Ric Flair yard sale. And while it sounds dope, it’s not. After a Happy Days intro, Ghost kicks it to a whole lotta ladies that are hanging at the bowling alley, all while rocking a red leather jacket that makes him look like some sort of gay motorcycle club leader. Other than some profile shots of big booty bowling and some uncomfortable semi-grinding between Ghost and Missy, that’s really about it. If you’re reading this Ghost (which I’m assuming he is), I’d suggest some sort of Giant Furry Hat/Enter the Wu-Tang Mask/Wonder Woman Eagle Bracelet combo, or at least two of the three, for your next video to get you back on track. Um, that is of course if Def Jam decides to release another video. There’s always next year…